Saturday, December 8, 2012

What The Fuck Is Crowling?

I'm shameless. When I looked over my site view stats, I discovered the posts with bad words in them got the most views.

Also the one where I posted the graffiti on campus. That was super-cool. Within a couple of days, that one had more views than the one about our beer adventures in Portland I post-shared, or whatever you call it, with my brothers. They work at Native Rank Inc., an SEO company, and know how to get shit done.

I'm not knocking my brothers. They rock. I'm talking up the kids who did the graffiti. Still waiting for something, guys. Because after anyone reads this post, they'll realize I don't have much to post about. Just give me something to post about already. Not that I'm encouraging you in any official sense. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, crowling. What is it?

Here's the thing that got me wondering:

These were near the register, with other impulse items like gum and pocketable expensive items like lady shavers, at the on-campus Migros where we went to buy some rather innocent post-prandial items like mandarin oranges and chocolate.

Naturally, there were fits of sophomoric giggles. I was with a gay manfriend and a straight manfriend. I assumed the gay manfriend would have some sort of secret underground gay insight into the secrets of what crowling means. He assumed I would have some sort of hetero insight into what crowling means. Plus there's the whole Junior Linguist thing. Double entendre of what-the-fuck-are-we-even-talking-about-right-now abounded. The straight manfriend a little bit pretended like he wasn't hanging out with us, though he seemed disappointed that between the two of us, we didn't know what crowling means. The cashier was not amused. But she's never amused. She wouldn't know amusement if she were pissing on it.

There was only one thing to do. Photograph the condoms. And then buy the condoms for further inspection. Plus we have our own personal co-worker Ekşisözlük who knows stuff like Ottoman Turkish and when to use the şapka on the "a" and maybe just maybe, what the fuck crowling means.

Context told us the other words on the box mean something like "ribbed for maximum pleasure." When we looked up "tırtıklı," we got, among other unpleasant words, "corrugated."


We also mostly figured most of the nuances of the gels that come free with the crowling condoms. Lubricating was one, which I know becuase "kaygınlaştırıcı" is one of my favorite words in Turkish, in and of itself an agglutinating orgasm. Anyway. Another gel in the pack is chocolate-flavored. Okay. I get it. I don't, really, but I do in certain contexts.

Goddamn that not-so-fresh feeling.
The most baffling of the gels in the pack was "intim temizleme." Really? Why would I want to cleanse my lady parts with gel that came free with the crowling condoms? Or with any kind of gel, for that matter?

It all comes back to crowling. Maybe after engaging in this mysterious act, I would be in need of some serious, gel-related hygiene.

Yes, you do, cock.
We looked up crowling on some Turkish and English websites. The best we got was that it's a variation of growling, as in what your tummy does when it wants food. Some Scottish people in the office confirmed this. We also considered maybe it's a misspelling of crawling, and therefore a reference to doggy-style, but I don't know why you'd need special condoms for that. Especially when there are condoms called "Long Love" on the same shelf. Then we thought it could have to do with prowling, or crowing maybe, because that's what a cock does, but it was all getting a bit obscure.

You'll always be Iron Man.
Maybe this was just a very educated pack of condoms, however. Instead of "Sex," their brand  name is Fex. Is this just a play on fricatives to amuse people who know the word fricative and immediately giggle-connect it to the word "sex?" Or is it actually FE-X, meaning "Iron" (the chemical symbol) with the letter X after it, to imply generalized naughtiness? Either way, it's fucking clever, no pun intended. It's possible the box of condoms is too much for a bunch of teachers.

Our Ekşisözlük co-worker didn't know what crowling is either. But things got very giggly all over again. Then a student turned up for grammar help and we contained ourselves and stashed the condoms. They had won the battle, but not the war.

Thank goodness for Urban Dictionary. When you Google crowling, you find out a lot of people don't know how to spell crawling and you turn up lots of baby pictures. But when you insist you meant crowling and not crawling (one must be insistent with Google from time to time), you get this:

To make vigorous, often violent, viscious or even forcable or animalistic love by means of penetration of any orafice with the turgid male genitalia.
(Misspellings not mine, thank you very much. The fact that this person spells like that and uses the word turgid in the same sentence makes this Urban Dictionary entry priceless.)

Which just makes me wonder what the fuck these condoms are all about in the first place. Who came up with that word to put on the box? And why?

At least I get why I might need the gel to cleanse my lady parts after.


Lisa said...

It must be a teacher thing, because I totally got this post; I laughed hard enough to disturb the cat.

Now off to call the bf for some fex...

BacktoBodrum said...

Brilliant - best bit of writing I've read all year. I nominate you for "Best Investigative Condom Research Bpsitzat17logger" of the decade.

Stranger said...

Hehe. Thanks guys.

Probably I think about fex way too much.