Clusterfucked! Dumbass Cat And Adventures in Pet Care

He's into bags.

Havuç is a very stupid cat. He's the kind of cat you can yell at 20 times for doing the same annoying thing and he'll keep doing it. Of course, he's also nice because he's the kid of cat that will let a 5-year-old poke his eyes and explore his ears and the worst thing he'll do is go somewhere else. He also lets grown-ups use his own paws to play his belly like a drum, or hold him up to pretend he's Godzilla doing the Can-Can.

Not that I would know anything about those last things. Ahem.

Last week, Havuç fell off the balcony. At first I wasn't sure if he'd escaped or fallen. But when he didn't do it again for several days, I figured he'd fallen because if he'd found an escape route he was sure to do it again. Havuç is annoying like that. And it was seriously annoying fetching him back to the house because the only way to reach him in the next door garden was by shuffling through armpit-high nettle.

My name is Havuç People call me Havuç.

I also figured if he'd fallen once, he would be more careful after that. We live on the 4th floor by Turkish counting and the 5th by American.

But I forgot how stupid Havuç is. The other night we came home late after Turkish lessons and heard him meowing. He was huddled under a wooden box thingie in the next-door garden, looking pathetic, and he couldn't walk on one leg.

There was fuck-all I could do about it then. It was LE's bedtime and he was crabby. Obvious cat pain, but no blood. I set Havuç up with a pillow and a towel in the bathroom and hoped for the best.

No dice. But I still had to go to work in the morning and get the boy to school. I felt really bad for the stupid fucking cat, so I came home at lunch and took him to the neighborhood vet. The vet took one look at Havuç's leg and declared he needed an x-ray. Without an x-ray, he didn't want to do anything for fear of causing unnecessary pain or making the leg worse.

Problem 1. The vet's x-ray machine was broken. And apparently there are no x-rays anywhere near my house, meaning an afternoon trip on the minibus with the heavy, howling cat in his carrier. Fucking hooray.

Problem 2. None of the vets my guy recommended have recent information posted online. There was a phone number no one answered and an unclear location on Google Maps.

Undeterred, I went and taught my two remaining classes. For the last class, I had decided to do my videotaped observation we are now required to complete. I'd chosen this class, down to 10 students from the 26 on the list, because last week I'd bribed them to be nice and do their work for the remaining 6 days in return for a C. They suddenly became very enthusiastic.

Right at the end of my class before the observation, my period decided to explode through the tampon and when I went to deal with that, there was no toilet paper and the girl in the next stall was my student. That meant I needed coffee.

And while I was waiting for the coffee machine, an email came from my lawyer saying the judge wanted us in for the divorce the next day. I called BE and told him the time. He acted all balky, like that was a bad time for him. I was all, "The fuck that is a bad time for you. We need to get to get this shit done." And he demurred because what on earth other chance did he have?

So it wasn't a clusterfuck in the real sense but in my mind it was like that. Fucked up dumbass cat! Embarrassing period problem! Observation! Divorce tomorrow! Hooray! Fuck!

I later watched the videotape of my observation and I was grinning like an idiot the whole time, even dancing around a little while my students were working. And no, it wasn't because of this one student wearing a V-neck. Or maybe just a little bit because of that. Anyway.

So I got back to the office and tried to sort out the cat thing. A fabulous co-worker agreed to come along, especially because they've put in a Macro under the vet. And another fabulous co-worker offered to let us use her car. Suddenly it all became a super fun adventure, getting the dumbass cat patched up.

Doped the fuck up.

The vet, who'd I'd found and located through a series of phone calls, poked around Havuç. Havuç didn't care for it at all. So he got shot up with some methadone or something that made him unable to move but also unable to blink. Except for the blinking thing, I kind of wanted me some of that.

Hee!

They did some x-rays and it turned out the stupid fucking cat has broken his leg. By falling off the balcony a second time.



So they made this gorgeous red cast. I was sorry LE was missing the whole thing because he adores medical procedures. And then they gave him an Elizabethan collar which was, more than I care to admit, the main outcome I'd hoped for from this particular vet visit.

Hee! No wait... No. Hee!

No, actually, I admit it. I'm fucking evil and there's nothing funnier than a cat in one of those collars.

Needs a designated driver.

When I got home, I set the poor pathetic drugged cat up in the bathroom and waited for him to do something. He didn't for awhile but then he started struggling around all over the place, turning drugged-cat red-cast somersaults and generally having a rough time of it. The collar and the cast were pissing him off unimaginably. As far as I could tell, he hadn't blinked for like 3 hours so I pressed his eyes closed for him a few times.

Blink, damn you!

After awhile he ventured out of the bathroom. One of his claws was bleeding from trying to pull the collar off and he didn't so much venture as tumble around into the light. He tracked blood everywhere. When I dumped him back in the bathroom I saw there was blood smeared all over the floor and walls.

And what is there to do in that case but shut the bathroom door and pretend it's not happening? Plus, a neighbor came over with a request so bizarre I think it needs to be saved for another story.

While the neighbor was changing into another outfit (yeah, I told you it was weird), I went and checked in on the cat again. He'd added to his blood decorations by pissing all over, taking off his cast (the collar is useless but funny! Who thought of this shit? How is a cat supposed to eat and drink in one of those?), and then rolling in the piss, the wonderful little superhero.

The Big Sleep?!

Before we'd gone to the vet, my friend and I'd set a monetary limit on how much I'd pay for the dumbass cat. Beyond that, we were tying to work out how to say The Big Sleep. The vet fee was over  the comfort limit, but not quite enough to ask for The Big Sleep.

Fucking expensive.

That being said, after he got the cast off and coated himself in pee and I removed the collar, the cat seemed happier. It struck me that the 385 lira I'd spent (85 over the limit) was completely pointless other than the few hours of comfort the vet-dope had given him, and the comparative joy he'd now found in life by not having to wear the cast and the collar. So cats, like people, find their joy in relative happinesses. Cool!

So now he's still limping around, but maybe in a little less pain. Goodness knows why he's in less pain, but he is. It's possible he'd also dislocated something and the vet fixed it. Also, Spider fucking hates him right now. Whenever she gets near him, she hisses and puffs up and runs away. He must have some sort of smell that appalls other cats. I don't know if it's the drugs or the leg or something else that's making her hate him so much. They used to be such good buds.

And even though Havuç is a dumbass cat, I hope it's not the smell of death.