Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Balminess: Wherein I Suddenly Get All Heavy For No Apparent Reason

On Sunday morning I went out onto the balcony and was shocked to feel warmth in the air. Not just sunshine, or the spring-y smell that's been creeping around as the cat-fucking season gets into swing. Actual warmth. It was warmer outside than it was inside. It's not quite time yet for shorts and swimming pools, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Which means my excuse for not writing anything is now at an end. Not that I have much to write about if I'm writing about the weather, but there you go. Things are just carrying on, as they do. Work is work, and heeding my own advice, I've found an even lower place for my standards and left them there. The way I figure it, I'd better learn to love most of the students I have now because they're going to be with us for a very long, long time. Early spring is the perfect time for the Hazırlık Teachers' Existential Crisis. Why am I here? What's the point of me? Does anything I do matter in the slightest?

Short answers, in order: To babysit the Emerging "Adults." Nothing, unless you're LE, in which case I am a goddess on earth and even surprising me in the bathroom as I remove a tampon is a super-great though perhaps overly enlightening Learning Experience. No, it doesn't.

It's okay. Just hinting at spring makes everything seem okay. There are almond trees blooming all over and almond tree blooms are ticklishly joyful. They remind of the weird year LE was born, when they were blooming in January. The thrilling wildflowers are turning up, and they're different from last year's so that's cool. I've been checking the fields every morning for the storks or cranes or whatever leylek are, but no dice so far.

It's for false prophets, heretics, and flatterers.
Still. It makes it a lot easier to see the eighth circle of hell humor in all that I do, which makes it easier to deal with the kids, which in turn makes it easier to feel once again like I have a point on this earth outside of my newly cozy home with my most amazing and erudite little boy who says cool shit all the time and tells me he loves me and a couple of weeks ago when I was sick, only bothered me for food. The rest of the time he hung out and yelled at his toys and occasionally checked my forehead for a fever and patted my hair.

Guess my sickness!

Tried hard, never liked.

For awhile there I was all disenchanted with my failed marriage and love is bullshit and I was wallowing in this Smiths-like dark hole love-wise (plus you know what? I don't even like the Smiths so that made it suck even more), but I have to say it's mostly pure pleasure and privilege being able to love someone this much, even if it is only a biological imperative. Bring it on.

It's spring and I get love. I'm not getting any love, as it were, but for now I get love. It's when you will do anything for someone, drop everything and give all your money and inconvenience yourself terribly just because you were asked. You don't even have to like that person because love is something else.

It's hard to be cynical and have feelings at the same time.

It's a good thing I also like LE. But even if he grows up and turns into a complete dick, I'll still love him. And there are a lot of people I know who I love who probably don't even know I'd drop everything and give them at least most of my money and inconvenience myself extraordinarily just because I love them and there's no other way I can see of dealing with the situation but doing that.

He draws on his face then sleeps like this.
Here's a parable about love: Last Sunday night I was Skyping with my parents and I couldn't get the little plastic container holding the toy inside LE's chocolate egg to open. I went at it with my teeth, as you do. My mom was all, "No, stop it! You'll break your teeth!" and I was like (in my mind), "Jeez Mom, I'm like 40 almost. I'm pretty sure I know how not to break my teeth." Plus I'm old and have realized the advantages of this one ceramic bicuspid I have. But then LE wanted to have a go at the plastic thingy with his teeth, and I was all, "No, stop it! You'll break your teeth!"
Surprisingly challenging.

And I didn't realize the irony of that until about 5 minutes ago.

In conclusion, it's only a few short months away that I'll be drinking Setcard beer next to the swimming pool. How can one not wax philosophical about love in a case like this? Happy Atheist Week.


Nomad said...

I love the new look! I was having trouble reading the other design for some reason.

About two weeks earlier I was about to give up all hope that it would ever be spring. But lo and behold!

About breaking teeth:
One of my saddest moments was when I was having my year of disaster - long story- and I was feeling about as low as I could feel. Sitting in a dingy little hotel room. While I was eating a piece of rather stubborn meat, I felt a rock rolling around in my mouth. I spit it out and recognized it immediately. I was one of my incisors or something. The tooth had been decayed for a long time but it chose that moment to break off. I think I cried all night about it because I felt, as you do when you are depressed, this was such a symbol of everything wrong with my life. About hitting bottom and pieces of my self falling off one bit at a time. It was, I thought, a clear message from God.

But it wasn't really, It was just a broken tooth.

Stranger said...

I have lots of dreams about broken teeth. I think it's one of those things that registers overly much in the psyche... Everything from stress and frustration to fear of aging and falling apart bit by bit...